Dear Barrow Buddies,

It's me, Harry Swinedel, Ace Reporter, and I am here to report to you the most recent development at our house which I believe borders on some kind of abuse. So, grab a blankie and a herdmate, and settle down for this nightmare. First, let me start by saying,

"THIS IS A TRUE STORY!" Last weekend me and Clover were lounging on the sofa, where we belong, minding our own business. It was a cold, winter day, and we were greatly enjoying our afternoon nap when mom came into the room. Seeing as how mom comes into the room often when we're sleeping, we barely turned an ear to her, and we surely didn't open an eye. Let me tell you that this was mistake number one.

If I remember right, dad was in the bathroom. Ali was in her room on the other end of the house, and as for Penny PigMeadows? Well, we didn't care where she was, as long as she wasn't bothering us as we napped on the sofa.

While in my peaceful slumber, I remember hearing mom say softly to me, "Harry. Let's trim your tusk."

Well, before I had a chance to open my eyeballs, mom had slipped a cord around my beautiful tusk and was pulling back and forth with all of her might! No kiddin. So I pulled back. But, the more I pulled, the more mom pulled. I could smell heat and see dust rising up towards my snooty so I hollered, ever so slightly, and gave a good yank back, but mom, only hesitating slightly, kept pulling and sawing and the next thing I knew I was coming off the sofa in slow motion. Then, JUST as I reached the floor, my tusk went flying off into space and I was free.

I stood there dazed, wondering what kind of dream this had been, when mom poked THREE Barky bones right into my mouth! Dazed or not, I ate them. At this point Clover & Penny decided to come to my aid. Clover looked at me, asking, "Where is your tooth?" Then Ali and dad arrived on the scene, asking mom why she was so excited.

"I just trimmed Harry's tusk, SEE! I didn't take off much, but it works and now we can do the others."

The exhuberance in mom's voice was disgusting. What kind of sordid experiment was she involving me in? Are you noticing how I was obviously the first? What if something had gone wrong? What if mom had made a mistake? Was she prepared in advance for the psychiatric bills that would follow? I think not! But then she poked 2 more Barky bones into my face and I stood there eating them quietly.

Ali wondered where my tusk went, as did I. I didn't really feel it come off, just that I could see that it wasn't sticking out from under my lip anymore. Ohhhh, my most handsome tusk was gone, well, until Ali did find it. Seems Penny PigMeadows was on the other sofa at the time and it hit her in the forehead. It was found laying right next to her face.

Mom and Dad left the room. Into the office they went. I heard lots of soft talking going on in there, so I got back up on the sofa. I picked the other one tho'... where Penny had been. Figured I catch a nap in another locale for the rest of the day. Clover returned to the other couch, and who knows where Penny was, as long as she wasn't bothering us.

Before long, Mom and Dad arrived back in the living room. I turned an ear and opened an eye, but not for long... they were standing over by Clover. I heard mom say to dad, "You do it and I'll hold him if I need to." Yeah, right. "Clover, we'll quick trim your tusk then you can have a Barky bone."

I opened both eyes, and just as I did I saw dad slip that cord around Clover's very handsome tusk, and he pulled once. At this point, Clover hopped off the sofa and ran for his bone. I remained prone and watched some more because I knew it wasn't over. It couldn't be. There was no dust or hot smell, and Clover got down on his own... he hadn't been dragged off the sofa by his tooth.

Hey, now it gets even more gruesome. Clover did NOT get a bone.

"I just HATE doing this to my boys," I heard Dad say to Mom.

"Well, we know it works! And it didn't hurt Harry. Look at him, he's just fine."

Not wanting Mom to drag me into this again, even verbally, I turned my head and pushed my face down hard into the sofa cushion, hiding my other tusk and squishing my snooty up into wrinkles. Clover, still standing there as he awaited his bone, did not see it coming.

"Okay, let's do it. Here Clover, let's trim that tusk," dad said. With that, Clover reached up for what he thought was an approaching Barky bone, and dad slipped that cord around his tusk again. At the same instant, mom hugged Clover from behind and dad started pulling back and forth. Clover, trying to throw himself into 4-hoof reverse, backed right into Mom who promptly picked his front feet up off the floor. There he was, stuck in mid-air, while dad sawed back and forth. You should have smelled it. You should have seen the tusk dust. It was like fog rolling in off the river! I couldn't watch. Poor Clover. He barely had a chance to holler and what he did let escape was a pitiful grunt instead of a scream. Probably because Mom was hugging him too tight. I bet that's it. He couldn't fill his lungs for good decible-level accessibility.

It was about 20 seconds from beginning to end before the barky bones were being dispersed. Of course, Penny came to Clover's aid, but I didn't need to as Mom delivered some barky bones to me, right on the sofa. I didn't even have to get up!

Mom and Dad rejoiced, Ali found Clover's tusk, and Clover got back on his sofa for a nap. Who knew where Penny was, but before I had the chance to be glad she wasn't bothering us, Mom and Dad came up on me fast. Dad slipped that thing around my other tusk just as Mom gave me a big hug and the tugging had commenced. Well, this was the last straw. ALL I wanted to do was to take a nice afternoon nap on the sofa. What in the world had gotten into these humans? Obviously they did not know how to handle a long winter!

The tusk dust rose and the hot smell began, but by the time I blinked, it was done. Mom let go and I sat there on the sofa. My mouth opened automatically, and Dad poked in a Barky bone. Clover was already for his too, and of course Penny had arrived on the scene, but I stayed on the sofa and received the goods there.

Me and Clover looked at each other... Handsome as ever, but obviously missing some ivory.

Ali found my other tusk and Mom held them in her hands like they were jewels. "Yeah, right, Mom. Believe me, they're more valuable when attached to handsome faces!"

Everyone left the room, but I layed there with BOTH eyes open and ears alert. Clover got up on the sofa with me, and who knows where Penny was, but she wasn't bothering us. We both layed there. We both thought for a while. And just as we dozed back off to sleep, we both realized at the same time, "HEY! How come Penny didn't get dragged around by her tooth?" I'm telling you, that damned little sow gets outta EVERYTHING!

Harry